Trying to find the joy

More ok days than not lately but sometimes it still just hits me. It seems like there are babies all around us and seeing pictures of newborns always reminds me of who is missing and reintensifies my longing for Rylan. Three of our friends and one of Joe's cousins have had babies since Rylan passed away. I cried each time I heard the news and especially when I saw pictures of them with their healthy babies in the hospital. We are so happy for all of them, of course, but it's bittersweet as well. After the most recent birth there was one picture in particular that caught my attention. It was one of the dad holding the new baby. Joe never had the chance to have that glowing moment when father holds the new baby for the first time. I was so envious and all the questions came flooding back. Why couldn't we have had that? What happened? What did I do wrong? Why did my baby have to get an infection? I had to catch my thoughts and remind myself that God numbered Rylan's days and we didn't do anything to cause his death (which I am often tempted to think..."if we had just done x or y differently maybe he would be ok right now"). I am so grateful our God is sovereign and we don't have to blame ourselves for Rylan's death though. His plans for us are perfect even though so different from what we'd hoped. As the sorrow and envy loomed over me I sensed God asking, "will you take up your cross, deny self and follow me?" How could I be envious of anyone else when God has so richly blessed me with salvation through His son, I wondered?

I did have a good cry about it though and was just missing Rylan. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up with all the sad feelings again. It reminded me that I am no longer crying myself to sleep every night though.

I am trying to find some joy in celebrating Rylan's life and the unforgettable and joyous memories I have of him while he was alive and safe inside of me. Those times and the brief 24 hours we had with Rylan are hugely overshadowed by the sorrow, but, I am trying to recall the joy when I can.

Where did March go?

Soo much running through my head it's hard to know where to start. I have been prevented from posting recently because of busyness, a computer virus, and just going through a period of it being too hard to put my thoughts down. I don't know if anyone out there is even still reading.

It's hard for me to believe March is over. The high point was a visit from my sister and my nephew James. We had a lot of fun going to places like the Stamford Nature Center and the Norwalk Aquarium.

One day at lunch James looked at my sister and me and said, "two mommies." I don't know what that meant in his little head but maybe he recognized that we both love him with that motherly kind of love. Or maybe it's just because we look alike! It was very cute whatever he meant.

While they were here we got to celebrate Christina's birthday (3/4), James' birthday (3/12) and baby Heisler's upcoming birthday (6/??).

After they left I was soo sad. Our house was childless once again. No sounds of laughter or even crying. No sounds of childhood at all. While they were here I tried not to cry or get upset in front of James too much. I love my nephew and sister very much and I wanted to make the best of their time here. I didn't want James to get freaked out either if I was always crying. Needless to say, when they left it was like a huge dam bursting. All the feelings I was holding in plus the sadness of their leaving engulfed me. We had so much fun together but all the "kid" places we went to were filled with mothers and their babies and children. I was the only mother there with no children. It just hurts.

The low point of the month was March 25 - what would have been Rylan's 3 month birthday. I wanted to post on that date but my computer was getting repaired because of a virus. It was a happy-sad day for me. I am happy and thankful that we had him but sad he is not here. It was also hard that during the same week my sister-in-law and niece were in town. Our niece, Lilly, is 7 months old now and really cute. It is bittersweet for me to be around her though because she reminds me a lot of Rylan as I think they would have looked a lot alike (she is asian/white too).

How to help

The Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who have lost children, devised a list of "DO'S and DONTS" for the families and friends of bereaved parents. Their suggestions include:

DO...

-Let your genuine concern and caring show.
-Be available...to run errands, to listen, to help with the other children, to do whatever else needs done at the time.
-Allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.
-Say that you are sorry about what happened and about their pain.
-Encourage them to be patient with themselves. Not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves.
-Allow them to talk as much and as often as they wish about their child.
-Reassure them that they did everything they could, that there was nothing that they missed and that there was nothing else ANYONE could have done to save their child's life.
-Help them let go of the questions and the guilt.
-Remember the child's birthday and anniversaries with the parents.
-Do give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters (they are hurt and confused too and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give at this time.)

DON'T...

-Let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
-Say you know how they feel unless you have also lost a child.
-Say "you ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies a judgement of their feelings.
-Change the subject when they mention their child.
-Remove pictures of the child from your own home (they need their child remembered.)
-Avoid mentioning the child out of fear that you will remind them of their pain (they haven't forgotten it!).
-Point out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable).
-Say that they can always have another child (even if they want to, or can, another child will not replace the child that they have lost).
-Make any comments that suggest that the care given their child at home, in the emergency room, etc., was inadequate.

Happy 3rd Wedding Anniversary

Dear Joe,

Has it really been three years already? In some ways it feels like it hasn't been long and in others it feels like we've experienced a lifetime already (perhaps that is because we lived through the whole lifetime of our precious boy).

In the past three years.....

.....we were given and then lost Rylan. We are both so grateful for the short time we did have as a family and were so honored to have this little miracle for a little while. It was so special to have this little person who was half you and half me, yet, altogether his own person. He was born out of our love for one another and I felt he was going to be walking representation of how intertwined our lives have become. No one but you and I will ever know how much he was loved and wanted and now missed.

.....we also lost our sweet dog, Lucy.

.....we have befriended so many wonderful people through our jobs, community and church. They have brought so much fun, laughter and support into our lives. We cannot express enough how grateful we are for our friends. We've also had to say goodbye to many of those dear friends because they moved away from the area.

.....we were so ecstatic to become Aunt and Uncle to our nephew James and our niece Lilly. What joy they both bring to our lives.

.....we've changed over the years yet somehow are more attracted to each other than ever as each day passes.

.....we've traveled to so many new and exciting places. I treasure all the memories we have together from our honeymoon in the Bahamas to the weekend retreats courtesy of Merrill Lynch. I eagerly look forward to many more adventures with you.

.....we've grown so much as people. When I think back to our first year of marriage to where we are now, we have come so far! Thank you for always being so dedicated to our marriage and to making it work no matter what.

.....you walked with me through the difficult months when my parents separated and divorced all the while assuring me that would never be our path.

Through all the heartaches we've experienced I am so grateful we still have each other. Through all the good times our joy has been magnified by sharing it together. I pray that God will grant that for every day of the rest of our lives we will be by each others sides.

Most of all, I am grateful for our great God whose mercies are new every morning. It is He who brought us together. It is He who has been with us every moment of every day and every trial. It is He who loves you and me more than we could ever love each other. It is He who holds our marriage together. For that we give Him thanks, praise and glory today and everyday.

Happy Anniversary.

Love you always and forever. With all my heart.
Nicole

Run with me?

I am not really a runner but, feeling in need of some motivation to get in shape, I've decided to run in a race. While researching upcoming races in Connecticut I came across the Mother's Day 10k http://www.hitekracing.com/mothersday10k/. I thought this race would be perfect for several reasons. I have about 2 months to train for it, it is nearby (in Norwalk) and will give me something positive to look forward to on what will otherwise be a really hard and sad day for me. Soo, if anyone has any interest in training with me and/or running the race let me know!

10-weeks-old

Since Rylan was born on a Thursday I count how old he would have been that way, whether that's correct or not. So Thursdays are significant to me...as are Fridays in an even harder way.

Just remembering that you would have been 10-weeks-old today sweet baby boy. I remember so fondly the moment you were finally here, making me the proudest mommy in the world. I'd waited 27 years for that moment! I love you soo much and that has definitely not changed just because you aren't here anymore. I know that Jesus is holding you close up in heaven but down here my arms are aching. Love you always and forever.

"The Happiest Place on Earth"

Joe and I returned this evening from a few days in Orlando, FL. Joe has an annual work conference at the Ritz Carlton there so I usually tag along as not to waste a free room at the Ritz! Last year the trip was in May so I was pregnant with Rylan. It was bittersweet to go there again this year remembering the last time we were there he was with me and how very, very different things are now.

The first night (Saturday) we went to Universal CityWalk which is a bunch of shops and restaurants. We ate a yummy dinner at Emeril's (despite the fact that I can't stand his show, the restaurant is great). Here are some pics of Joe trying on silly hats at one of the shops:

The conference would not start until Sunday night so we had Sunday free for Joe and I to spend together. We were not planning to go to Disney World but once we got down there Joe really wanted to go. We had not gone to Disney World on any of our previous trips either so, we decided on a whim to go to Magic Kingdom. Even at "the happiest place on earth" I was so sad and missing you Rylan. Mommy misses you soo much little boy. There were children everywhere, of course. A lot of families had "grandma" with them to help out. I saw one grandma interacting with her granddaughter who must have been 3 or 4 and the tears just welled up thinking of how wonderful my mom would have been with her grandson. We were all robbed by the stupid E. coli of so many special moments that will never be. I absolutely hate E. coli.

Despite the reminders everywhere we tried our best to enjoy the day in honor of Rylan, knowing we would never be able to take him there. Joe mentioned how one day we would hopefully take our other children there and we would tell them about the trip we took for their brother.

Once the conference gets underway I normally just relax and go to the pool by myself but unfortunately it was really cold and rained one day too so I mainly stayed indoors. I treated myself to a massage one day. It was nice but also reminded me of the last massage I had...it was only a few days before I gave birth to Rylan. I'd had a gift certificate to a spa that I decided to use up figuring it would be awhile before I would have time for the spa after becoming a mommy. The whole time during that last massage Rylan kept kicking me in the rib. I guess the little stinker did not want me to relax! As I got the massage this time, though, there were no little feet. No little feet in my belly, no little feet anywhere. Just ashes in box back at home. The all-too-familiar ache came flooding back into my heart.

When we touched down back at JFK today I was relieved I had survived...before this trip the last time I flew was in October when I had the emergency landing scare that sent me to the hospital with preterm labor. I'd not been looking forward to flying again since that incident.