You're Not Shaken

I've been hearing this song on the radio and had to post it. I don't necessarily like the song itself that much (apparently the artist was on American Idol at one point but got voted off) but I do like the words. It makes me cry every time. I think one of the reasons that music is so powerful is because you can convey emotions that wouldn't necessarily be conveyed otherwise. I love the unmasked honesty in this song as the bewilderment of tragedy rises up in questions for God. It reminds me of the Psalms which are filled with real struggles to reconcile the terrible things that happen in life with God's goodness ("How could this be from your hand?"). It would be a lie to say that my faith hasn't felt paper thin at times and so the image of the "walls of belief crashing down like sand" resonates with me as does the simultaneous recognition that God is present still and unshaken. When everything in life is falling apart and falling down around you (even, seemingly, your faith) it is never more evident that the only thing standing firm is the Lord. He is the only thing we can and should hold on too. A very painful lesson to learn but the most important one of all.

You can click this link to hear the song-

http://www.imeem.com/artists/phil_stacey/music/ClRcwLhW/phil-stacey-youre-not-shaken/

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand

When every little thing that I had dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while
I'm here And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

Baby Weight

Who doesn't like compliments? Friends have been telling me that I look great and, of course it's nice to hear things like that (even though telling someone they look great is only a nice way of saying "hey, a little while ago you didn't look so hot") but, for the record, I am not one of those lucky mom's who lost their baby weight "without even trying." Nope, for me it took a lot of old fashioned diet and exercise! Despite all attempts to keep my weight gain within reason during my pregnancy with Rylan I ended up gaining 40lbs. That was more than I was hoping to gain but it could have been worse I suppose and being put on bed rest early in my pregnancy and also later on after the emergency plane landing scare did not help. After delivery, I had been planning to rely on breastfeeding to help lose the extra weight but obviously I never got a chance to do that. Also working against any weight loss was the outpouring of concern from friends which manifested itself in the form of food (read: delicious, carby, fatty dishes) for about two months after Rylan was born/passed away. We soo appreciated all that support, of course, but eating that kind of food combined with spending most of the day in bed or in a heap on the couch meant that I did not lose an ounce. It wasn't until about March that I decided to get serious about trying to lose the baby weight because it was making me so miserable that not only did I not have my baby but instead I had a mom body (no offense, moms!). Plus I'd always intended to lose as much of the weight as possible before we had our next child and since circumstances were now dictating that we would probably be thinking about baby #2 much sooner than we ever imagined, I needed to get started. Since giving birth I have lost about 50lbs (with about 20 of those pounds coming off during birth/first week post-partum). Strange thing is, I am a little bit sad to see all the baby weight gone. It's like one more reminder of Rylan is gone. I gained all that weight eating yummy things to make him grow big and strong and slowly the pregnancy that I enjoyed so much is being washed out of my life.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words but I wanted to set the record straight that it took a lot of hard work! Yay for the moms whose baby fat just "seems to melt off" or celebrities who have their body back in one week post-partum, but that was not me!

Quick update

Once again I haven't blogged in awhile so I figured I should at least do a quick post to attempt to answer the question I get most often, "How are you doing?" To be honest it's still tough for me but I am trying to do the best I can. People say it is supposed to get easier but I don't think that's true - Rylan is still gone and that hurts as much as ever - but I suppose you just get better at coping. I think I am pretty good at putting on a happy face now because in many situations I have to just to survive. I don't like these feelings, and I may regret sharing this later, but they've been cropping up again: jealously of those who have their babies and anger over how much death took away from me. To be honest I feel a bit lost - who am I? I recently saw a picture of myself from when I was about 7 months pregnant with Rylan and I just thought to myself that I feel like I don't even know that person anymore because my life has changed soo much. That smile, that glow...so much anticipation and excitement over the pending arrival. The other question we get most often is when we are going to try for another baby. That's a pretty personal question. It's definitely something we've talked about and I have been trying to work up the courage to try again but so far I just haven't felt totally ready for that. I still just wish more than anything that I could have Rylan back but I know that's impossible. I would love to end on a more positive note or wrap up my post with some nice platitude but right now this is all I've got.