We're famous

Don't laugh! It wasn't as weird as it sounds

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/default/article/Mothers-set-breastfeeding-record-601574.php

Change the name of my blog?

If anyone is still following this blog, you may have noticed that I finally posted for this first time in a long while. I figured an explanation for the gap is in order. After the Christmas post I went through a period of time that was too hard to even articulate. Finding out that we were expecting a girl, celebrating what would have been Rylan's first birthday on Christmas Day and the anniversary of his death on December 26th all in one week hit me hard. I still don't know that I can put words to it. I also felt this immense pressure to post something extremely meaningful and special about what we did to mark those occasions and I just couldn't do it. It had to be perfect - the one year anniversary is such a big deal as anyone whose grieved will know. I have several drafts but never could get comfortable hitting "publish post."

And now 7/8 months later I decided I don't want to abandon blogging altogether. So, walla, the first post about Colette. I still would like to post her birth story and many other details from her first two months of life that have gone unrecorded (mother's guilt anyone?). But you have to start somewhere so two month milestones it was. The other dilemma that's been plaguing me is whether it's ok to share this blog (Rylan's blog) with Colette or if I should start a new one or at least change the name. I've come to the conclusion that it is totally fine to leave things as they are since Rylan and Colette are brother and sister after all. She's already borrowed many of his things (bassinet, carseat, toys, etc) so it's perfectly natural for them to share this site too. "Christmas in Connecticut" (December 25, 2008 in Danbury, Connecticut) remains significant as the day our family had just begun. Stay tuned as our story continues!

Two months!

At two months old Colette:
-Weighs about 12lbs (according to home scale)
-Just started smiling for real (as opposed to just in her sleep)
-Sleeps through the night. Ha - I wish. But she is a pretty good nighttime sleeper. We started formally putting her to bed at about 4 weeks when I'd noticed that she would settle into a deeper sleep around 7pm. We try to get her down by 7:30 or 8. She sleeps 3-6 hours from that time and then 1-3 hour stretches after that until about 8am. She wakes up to eat or because she wants her paci put back in but generally falls back asleep after that
-Our bedtime routing consists of: bath (sometimes), PJs, turn on white noise machine, nurse, put on lullaby cd, rock with paci until drowsy, put in crib with (sometimes without) paci and pat her back until she's asleep or almost asleep
-Yes, she sleeps on her belly! I hesitate to tell people that because with all of the SIDS awareness they look at me like an irresponsible parent unless I have time to explain why we put her down that way. The short answer: she sleeps SOO much better that way! I also want to avoid her getting a flat head and/or bald spot. But most importantly I was ok with putting her this way because we use a special mattress cover that prevents exposure to toxic gasses in mattress that have been linked to SIDS. www.eves-best.com/babesafe-mattress-covers
-Prefers to be held all the time. The front carrier and sling come in handy!
-HATES her carseat (presumably because she's not being held). It used to be that as long as I fed Colette before leaving the house she'd be fine but for the past month she screams in the car almost no matter what. This makes it really hard to go anywhere as I don't like to put her (or myself) through that. If someone (usually grandma!) is in the backseat of the car to bottle feed or give her the paci it's more manageable.
-Can roll from her tummy to her back. Actually, she first did it at 5 days old! She doesn't roll every time she's put on her belly but every once in awhile she proves that she can still do it. She's such a strong girl!
-Loves to look at faces. Especially mommy's I have to say!
-Does pretty well in the bath. Sometimes she doesn't cry at all, unless she's really tired or hungry.
-Went swimming for the first time! She did not protest and even seemed to enjoy it. My little water baby!

Merry Christmas

December 2009
Dearest Friends and Family,

I did not anticipate sending Christmas cards this year. I haven't sent them in our almost 4 years of marriage and considering that this holiday season is an especially difficult one for us it didn't seem logical to start now. But then I realized that people most often begin sending Christmas cards once they have children...and since we now have kids, here we are sending out cards! Most likely you are aware that Joe and I received a very special Christmas gift last year: our firstborn son, Rylan, was born on December 25 at 3:03pm weighing 6lbs 7oz and measuring 19in long. Perhaps we’re biased, but we think he was the most beautiful baby we’ve ever beheld. We were instantly smitten and Joe even shed a few tears the moment Rylan was born (despite insisting he wouldn’t!). Tragically, by 3:17pm the following day, after numerous treatments in the NICU, Rylan had gone to be with the Lord. He spent his last moments in the loving arms of his mother and father. During delivery he had contracted an E. coli infection which never responded to antibiotics. Needless to say, we started off 2009 in a heavy fog of grief, shock and unimaginable sadness. Through this trial we’ve learned how very precious and fragile life is and how much we have to be thankful for. We are still so touched by the outpouring of support we received from friends and family like you through meals, flowers, cards, words of support, presence and, now, remembering Rylan with us in various ways. We cannot THANK YOU enough. We really hesitated to put a picture of our sweet boy on this card – I know that for many it’s not easy to look at (and, trust me, he was even more beautiful in person). But please know that we have only a precious few photos of our son and we so treasure each one of them and wanted to remind everyone that he was real. (We never had the opportunity to send out birth announcements so thank you for indulging us now.) Our society says that such a short life is nearly meaningless but we know that every life is valuable and has purpose in the sight of God and therefore we celebrate and remember the precious gift of Rylan. His brief life touched and changed ours is so many ways. We miss him everyday. He is and always will be our firstborn son and will always have a very special place in our family and our hearts. And speaking of our family…it’s continuing to grow! In September we learned that God had blessed us with a budding new life! We are finding that joy and sadness can coexist as we eagerly await the arrival of this baby in June 2010 and yet continue to grieve the loss of our son. Thank you so much for your patient support, friendship and concern over the past year. We are looking forward to 2010 knowing that we can face anything with the Lord by our side – Jesus never promised our lives would be easy but He did promise He’d always be with us and we’ve found so much strength and peace from that truth. The most important thing in life is what you chose to make of the little baby Jesus born in a manager 2000 years ago. The baby born to die and give us life and peace with God. "Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." (1 Peter 3:18) Having gone through one of the most difficult things in life that anyone can go through I can tell you that our faith has made all the difference and Joe and I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you anytime about what the bible says about Jesus and why we believe what we believe.

Merry Christmas and Warmest Wishes for the New Year.

Love, Joe and Nicole (and our puppy, Lacey, too!)

It's a GIRL!

We found out this morning that we are having a baby GIRL! She is a modest little thing as she didn't make it easy for us to get a look at whether she was a boy or a girl! This was the best shot the dr could get - the evidence that she is a girl is, ahem, the absence of something in the photo! I couldn't help crying when we found out - tears of joy and sadness. All along I suspected it was a girl but somehow it was surreal to find out for sure, especially just a few days before Rylan's birthday. It makes me sad in a way - like a reminder of who is missing. If we still had our boy we'd have our "perfect" family. Well, my idea of perfect anyway. I always wanted a boy first and then a girl - but obviously this is God's perfect family for us nonetheless (and we still do have a boy as our oldest even though he's not here). Selfishly I am worried about competing with another girl in the house! I worry, "will she steal Joe's heart away?", "will I damage her with body images issues?", "will we have tension like so many mother/daughter relationships?" Girls are so complicated (I know from being one!) that I always thought boys would be easier and they always seem to love their mommies no matter what! All of these thoughts are so silly right? I am sure I will LOVE having a girl and will be so obsessed with this little one that I will laugh at ever having these thoughts right??

Of course I am just thankful she is doing well. She is so cute and active! She is also stubborn...she was trying so hard to suck her thumb but just kept missing and hitting her nose or lip! I am sooo over pregnancy at this point and can't wait for her to be here safe and sound already. It feels like I'll have been pregnant for 18 months before getting to bring a baby home. But worth the wait I am sure.

Déjà vu

Some friends from England were in town for the weekend. On Sunday they wanted to go to the Danbury Mall (a favorite spot of theirs when they'd lived here) to do some shopping. It was a bit of a tough experience for me because the last time I was at that mall was on Christmas Eve last year...we'd just been to a midwife appointment and Joe thought I should do some walking around there to try and get labor going (it worked - we had Rylan the next day). We’d had lunch there and I’d often wondered if something we ate there is what caused us both to be sick the next day (or possibly had even been the source of the E. coli Rylan caught, even though the doctors had assured us it wasn’t from food). So, there we were at the mall having lunch and shopping again almost one year later and that baby who I had been in early labor with was now gone and here I was pregnant with another baby. Just strange and sad and happy all at the same time, like so many experiences are for me now. Our friends also wanted to go to Toys R’Us which is near the mall. There is a Babies R’Us next to it and Joe and I decided to go there together while they shopped at Toys R’Us. (Because Danbury is so far away, Joe had never actually gone there with me when I was pregnant with Rylan. It was fun to go there together for once.) I had been to that Babies R’Us many times before and so it was very numbing to go there now and think of all the excitement, anticipation and preparation that had gone into awaiting Rylan’s birth…and now that baby and all those dreams are gone. And yet there are new plans to be made, new hope and excitement and anticipation of your birth little one. We truly know how easily you could be gone and so we try not to take your existence for granted for a single second.

Rylan's going to be a big brother!

_

Yes, it's true, we are pregnant with our second child. We are due around June 5. Maybe he/she will be born on my birthday (June 6)! We are soo, soo happy to share this news with everyone eventhough our hearts are also heavy knowing that this little person won't be greeted in this world by his/her older brother.

We found out really early that we were expecting (on 9/24/09 at week 3). I took the test on the earliest day possible so we only got a very faint line - but faint line or dark there is no mistake what that means: you are pregnant (you either have hcg in your system because you are pregnant or you don't have hcg at all). I had taken the test not actually expecting it to be positive because I wasn't "feeling pregnant" as much as I had been last time. With Rylan I’d obviously never been pregnant before so I didn’t know what to look for but this time I thought I knew the signs but I didn’t have them. In retrospect though I was having some symptoms such as feeling really tired and hungrier than usual and I had started breaking out (which also happened at the beginning of my last pregnancy – it takes awhile for the "glow" to set in). Before taking the test I was kind of bummed at the thought that I wasn’t pregnant because last time we got pregnant so easily and so I thought it would happen just as quickly this time (well, turns out it did). Of course there is always the worry of what if we have trouble getting pregnant this time. In hindsight I feel very sheepish that I was worried for nothing!

When I saw that faint blue line I was shocked and literally started shaking. Don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy (happier than I thought I’d be actually) but mostly shocked and a whole bunch of other mixed emotions. One thing I felt for sure though was instant love for this new little being. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around my waist to try and give the little one a big hug in acknowledgment that there was really a new life inside of me. I was kind of in a daze all day but mostly really excited and hopeful that nothing bad would happen to this baby. When I was first pregnant with Rylan I was terrified of miscarriage but surprisingly this time I feel a real peace that God is holding this little life in His hands and it is completely out of my control. I also think there is something that changes in you when you are faced with your biggest fear – you don’t fear it as much anymore. Not that I want anything to happen to this child (ever!) but I have a surprising peace about his/her life which I am very grateful for and hope the peace stays! Praise God for answering our prayers and for beginning to knit together this knew little miracle. My heart truly grew the day we found out as now it contains the love for two babies within it.