Déjà vu

Some friends from England were in town for the weekend. On Sunday they wanted to go to the Danbury Mall (a favorite spot of theirs when they'd lived here) to do some shopping. It was a bit of a tough experience for me because the last time I was at that mall was on Christmas Eve last year...we'd just been to a midwife appointment and Joe thought I should do some walking around there to try and get labor going (it worked - we had Rylan the next day). We’d had lunch there and I’d often wondered if something we ate there is what caused us both to be sick the next day (or possibly had even been the source of the E. coli Rylan caught, even though the doctors had assured us it wasn’t from food). So, there we were at the mall having lunch and shopping again almost one year later and that baby who I had been in early labor with was now gone and here I was pregnant with another baby. Just strange and sad and happy all at the same time, like so many experiences are for me now. Our friends also wanted to go to Toys R’Us which is near the mall. There is a Babies R’Us next to it and Joe and I decided to go there together while they shopped at Toys R’Us. (Because Danbury is so far away, Joe had never actually gone there with me when I was pregnant with Rylan. It was fun to go there together for once.) I had been to that Babies R’Us many times before and so it was very numbing to go there now and think of all the excitement, anticipation and preparation that had gone into awaiting Rylan’s birth…and now that baby and all those dreams are gone. And yet there are new plans to be made, new hope and excitement and anticipation of your birth little one. We truly know how easily you could be gone and so we try not to take your existence for granted for a single second.

Rylan's going to be a big brother!

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Yes, it's true, we are pregnant with our second child. We are due around June 5. Maybe he/she will be born on my birthday (June 6)! We are soo, soo happy to share this news with everyone eventhough our hearts are also heavy knowing that this little person won't be greeted in this world by his/her older brother.

We found out really early that we were expecting (on 9/24/09 at week 3). I took the test on the earliest day possible so we only got a very faint line - but faint line or dark there is no mistake what that means: you are pregnant (you either have hcg in your system because you are pregnant or you don't have hcg at all). I had taken the test not actually expecting it to be positive because I wasn't "feeling pregnant" as much as I had been last time. With Rylan I’d obviously never been pregnant before so I didn’t know what to look for but this time I thought I knew the signs but I didn’t have them. In retrospect though I was having some symptoms such as feeling really tired and hungrier than usual and I had started breaking out (which also happened at the beginning of my last pregnancy – it takes awhile for the "glow" to set in). Before taking the test I was kind of bummed at the thought that I wasn’t pregnant because last time we got pregnant so easily and so I thought it would happen just as quickly this time (well, turns out it did). Of course there is always the worry of what if we have trouble getting pregnant this time. In hindsight I feel very sheepish that I was worried for nothing!

When I saw that faint blue line I was shocked and literally started shaking. Don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy (happier than I thought I’d be actually) but mostly shocked and a whole bunch of other mixed emotions. One thing I felt for sure though was instant love for this new little being. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around my waist to try and give the little one a big hug in acknowledgment that there was really a new life inside of me. I was kind of in a daze all day but mostly really excited and hopeful that nothing bad would happen to this baby. When I was first pregnant with Rylan I was terrified of miscarriage but surprisingly this time I feel a real peace that God is holding this little life in His hands and it is completely out of my control. I also think there is something that changes in you when you are faced with your biggest fear – you don’t fear it as much anymore. Not that I want anything to happen to this child (ever!) but I have a surprising peace about his/her life which I am very grateful for and hope the peace stays! Praise God for answering our prayers and for beginning to knit together this knew little miracle. My heart truly grew the day we found out as now it contains the love for two babies within it.