As my first Mother’s Day approaches, I wanted to write something that would express the permanence of my motherhood. Though we hope to one day have more children, Rylan will always be the one who first made me a mother. I am his only mother and I will always be his mother. Death cannot take that away from me.
Just me, only me, always me
No one else in the world can claim to be Rylan's mother.
I am the proud, proud owner of that title.
Just me, only me, always me.
I carried you with me for 9 too-brief months.
I felt your every movement, every hiccup, every jab to my ribs.
Just me, only me, always me.
Though I was saddened it would be the end of our unbroken togetherness,
I gave every last ounce of myself to labor with you and get you out.
Just me, only me, always me.
When I first heard your sweet, tiny, heavenly cry I knew I was a mother.
Your mother Rylan.
Just me, only me, always me.
When I saw you clearly for the first time I thought, "I must be in a dream."
Never had I seen such a beautiful and perfect creature in all my life!
I loved you with a new found and indescribable motherly love.
Just me, only me, always me.
Later you opened your eyes and looked at me. It felt as though our souls connected in that moment and that we’d known each other forever.
That brief, tender moment of newborn mother and newborn child will forever be the sweetest memory to me.
Just me, only me, always me.
You were mine and I could not have imagined you would soon be gone.
I held you when at last, without a struggle, you breathed your soul away.
I too breathed something of myself away in that moment. My precious boy was gone. Though your dad and many others who loved you were gathered around, I was the mother and no one else experienced losing you quite like I had to.
Just me, only me, always me.
Your birth made me a mother and I will never be the same.
Your death has only magnified my longing and affection for you my sweet, sweet baby boy. I will never stop loving you and my life will forever be enriched because I am your mother.
Just me, only me, always me.
Your loving and forever devoted mother.
Nicole
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Kim and I'm a friend of Christina's. I have read your blog for a few months now and I am so touched and moved by your story. You are in my thoughts so often even though I only know you as the dear and loved sister of a new and special friend. You are an eloquent writer and your posts are such an honest reflection of your grief, faith and journey. Thanks for sharing. I'll be thinking of you this Mother's Day and wishing you peace.
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful mother and Im sure Rylan knows and feels your loving presence. Wishing you peace and comfort on your first Mother's Day.
Love, Amy