You're Not Shaken

I've been hearing this song on the radio and had to post it. I don't necessarily like the song itself that much (apparently the artist was on American Idol at one point but got voted off) but I do like the words. It makes me cry every time. I think one of the reasons that music is so powerful is because you can convey emotions that wouldn't necessarily be conveyed otherwise. I love the unmasked honesty in this song as the bewilderment of tragedy rises up in questions for God. It reminds me of the Psalms which are filled with real struggles to reconcile the terrible things that happen in life with God's goodness ("How could this be from your hand?"). It would be a lie to say that my faith hasn't felt paper thin at times and so the image of the "walls of belief crashing down like sand" resonates with me as does the simultaneous recognition that God is present still and unshaken. When everything in life is falling apart and falling down around you (even, seemingly, your faith) it is never more evident that the only thing standing firm is the Lord. He is the only thing we can and should hold on too. A very painful lesson to learn but the most important one of all.

You can click this link to hear the song-

http://www.imeem.com/artists/phil_stacey/music/ClRcwLhW/phil-stacey-youre-not-shaken/

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand

When every little thing that I had dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while
I'm here And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

Baby Weight

Who doesn't like compliments? Friends have been telling me that I look great and, of course it's nice to hear things like that (even though telling someone they look great is only a nice way of saying "hey, a little while ago you didn't look so hot") but, for the record, I am not one of those lucky mom's who lost their baby weight "without even trying." Nope, for me it took a lot of old fashioned diet and exercise! Despite all attempts to keep my weight gain within reason during my pregnancy with Rylan I ended up gaining 40lbs. That was more than I was hoping to gain but it could have been worse I suppose and being put on bed rest early in my pregnancy and also later on after the emergency plane landing scare did not help. After delivery, I had been planning to rely on breastfeeding to help lose the extra weight but obviously I never got a chance to do that. Also working against any weight loss was the outpouring of concern from friends which manifested itself in the form of food (read: delicious, carby, fatty dishes) for about two months after Rylan was born/passed away. We soo appreciated all that support, of course, but eating that kind of food combined with spending most of the day in bed or in a heap on the couch meant that I did not lose an ounce. It wasn't until about March that I decided to get serious about trying to lose the baby weight because it was making me so miserable that not only did I not have my baby but instead I had a mom body (no offense, moms!). Plus I'd always intended to lose as much of the weight as possible before we had our next child and since circumstances were now dictating that we would probably be thinking about baby #2 much sooner than we ever imagined, I needed to get started. Since giving birth I have lost about 50lbs (with about 20 of those pounds coming off during birth/first week post-partum). Strange thing is, I am a little bit sad to see all the baby weight gone. It's like one more reminder of Rylan is gone. I gained all that weight eating yummy things to make him grow big and strong and slowly the pregnancy that I enjoyed so much is being washed out of my life.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words but I wanted to set the record straight that it took a lot of hard work! Yay for the moms whose baby fat just "seems to melt off" or celebrities who have their body back in one week post-partum, but that was not me!

Quick update

Once again I haven't blogged in awhile so I figured I should at least do a quick post to attempt to answer the question I get most often, "How are you doing?" To be honest it's still tough for me but I am trying to do the best I can. People say it is supposed to get easier but I don't think that's true - Rylan is still gone and that hurts as much as ever - but I suppose you just get better at coping. I think I am pretty good at putting on a happy face now because in many situations I have to just to survive. I don't like these feelings, and I may regret sharing this later, but they've been cropping up again: jealously of those who have their babies and anger over how much death took away from me. To be honest I feel a bit lost - who am I? I recently saw a picture of myself from when I was about 7 months pregnant with Rylan and I just thought to myself that I feel like I don't even know that person anymore because my life has changed soo much. That smile, that glow...so much anticipation and excitement over the pending arrival. The other question we get most often is when we are going to try for another baby. That's a pretty personal question. It's definitely something we've talked about and I have been trying to work up the courage to try again but so far I just haven't felt totally ready for that. I still just wish more than anything that I could have Rylan back but I know that's impossible. I would love to end on a more positive note or wrap up my post with some nice platitude but right now this is all I've got.

Silent Footprints

We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother. He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child, The child we never had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here. We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy. There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had, And yet will have forever.
By Christie Michael

A big step (for me)

Joslynn Nicole Heisler

In a previous post I mentioned I'd be making a trip to Phoenix to meet my niece. The trip was wonderful overall and I had so much fun with my mom and my sister's growing family. As I also mentioned previously, my niece would be the first newborn that I've held since holding Rylan. Of course, I was apprehensive about how that would go. Seeing my niece definitely reminded me of Rylan and was emotional...but it turned out to be somewhat healing at the same time. I was not surprised that the first time I held her (and at moments during subsequent times I held her) that tears came easily BUT I was surprised (pleasantly) that other times I was just fine and started to really fall in love with the little sweetie. She is very smiley for a 2-week-old, so that didn't hurt our bonding either. My sister and brother-in-law were so gracious with me and seemed to understand that I would naturally spend more time with James, my 2-year-old nephew. I was hesitant to do certain things with Joslynn - little things such as change her diaper. It might sound strange but to do something with another baby that I had last done with Rylan (such as change a diaper) felt like I was being disloyal to Rylan. Ultimately I decided these little obstacles wouldn't get any easier until I just forced myself to face them. Besides, I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to do all the "baby stuff" with Joslynn and didn't want to be unhelpful to my sister and brother-in-law. I found that doing all those little things for Joslynn was not the end of the world and I could still hold those special moments with my son in my heart and memory too. Plus, knowing how rarely I will get to see Joslynn helped me to be happy and to try and enjoy the time I did have with Rylan's cousin.

Still, there were moments that reminded me how tender and raw the loss still is for me. For example, when we were all out in public strangers would ooh and ahh over my niece and would congratulate my sister. That might seem trivial but I was envious and it hit me how I missed out on all those kind of moments and instead heard lots of condolences and "I'm so sorry" from people after I had a baby. Little things like that can set off tears without warning...but then I have to remind myself that His grace is sufficient for me (II Corinthians 12:9).

Throughout the week I witnessed what special family Joslynn was born into. She could not have a more loving mother, father and big brother! I miss them all soo much and can't wait until the next time we see each other (hopefully soon!). xxxooo

Ezra Martin Blades

Our good friends Margaret and Aaron gave birth to their first child only a few days before Joslynn was born. June was a big month for babies! Even before Ezra was born we'd made plans to visit this weekend, knowing it would be our first free weekend after his due date.

They say the "firsts" that you experience after a loss are the hardest and with more exposure it gets easier. So, seeing as I'd already had my first time holding another newborn, I expected meeting Ezra to be a little easier. It was. With Ezra, as with Joslynn, my brain is learning to sort of 'switch off' and to try and accept the baby as their own little person and not impose all the memories of my baby on him/her (not sure if that makes sense...). I think the fact that he was not related to Rylan made it a little easier than meeting Joslynn but on the other hand the fact that he is a half-asian male reminded me of Rylan in other ways.

It would have been soo fun to have an almost 7-month-old with us (instead we only had our crazy puppy). We are "parents" and yet we are useless in offering any advice on parenting past one day old - and that just hurts. No advice for soothing a fussy baby or nursing or getting them to sleep at night. How I wish we'd got to experience all that and more with Rylan. I do not have bags under my eyes or spit up on my clothes and I don't tote around an overstuffed diaper bag as evidence that I am a mom (yet, the special place in my heart that will always be Rylan's is proof enough to me, even if unseen proof).

Anyway, Ezra is a very cute baby and we are so happy for our friends in so many ways! They are such relaxed and loving parents, but we're not surprised because that's how they've always been. We miss them and enjoyed seeing where they live, attend seminary and worship every week. We are just sorry it took them having a baby to get us to visit! :)

Color coordinated family and wall :)

James and Joslynn

My sister Christina's beautiful children: James and Joslynn. xoxoxo

Back from hiatus

Well, I am back after an unintentional hiatus. The main reason it has been almost two months since the last post is because we got a puppy on May 13th! We love her but she has been so much work! I am extremely behind on emails, blogging and other to-do list items because she demands so much of my time...between housebreaking, playing with her (she doesn't like to play with her toys alone), housebreaking, making sure she stays out of trouble, housebreaking. Did I mention HOUSEBREAKING!? That is by far the most frustrating part about having a puppy (who likes to clean up pee and poo from the floor several times a day??) but every day that she gets older she is less and less stressful and I am proud to say she is about 90% housebroken now. Isn't she cute??



There is a lot I could write about to catch up from the last two months so it's a little daunting to even know where to start. So daunting that I've thought about dropping off the blogging scene altogether but then I think about how helpful it's been for me to be able to put my thoughts down here and there seem to be a fair enough number of people who enjoy reading what I post (at least that's what you've told me!) so I will make a stab at picking back up.

In recent times the toughest week for me came about two/three weeks ago, starting around Father's Day. I expected Mother's Day to be tough but didn't anticipate Father's Day would elicit so many emotions, but it did. It just really hurt that Joe did not have his son that day and I really wish he knew all that he was missing out on. He was such a good dad to Rylan for the one day we had him out of the womb, I just know he would continue to be an amazing father and that a 6-month-old Rylan would be soo fixated on him. The same week was Rylan's would-be 6-month birthday (6/25) and my heart was just breaking not having him all that time and amazed that I had already survived 6 months without him (by God's grace). Also that week our family received a wonderful blessing: my niece was born and I was surprised and honored to learn that they named her Joslynn Nicole. I have not been able to bring myself to hold any newborns since Rylan but I look forward to Joslynn (Rylan's blood cousin) being the first. Naturally the birth of any new baby brings me right back to Rylan's birth, though, and I just ached that Joslynn and Rylan would never meet (other than the time when they were both in utero). There were two other big events that week that are too personal to detail here. So, adding it all up it was a monstrously emotional week.

One of my biggest faults, so to speak, is that I am highly sensitive to what other people think of me. I have never been one of those people who can 'brush it off.' So, throughout this whole ordeal I have constantly wondered and worried what people are thinking of me (not that people are always thinking about me but I mean just if/when I do come to mind!). I wonder, do people think I am grieving too much/too long or not grieving enough? I feel like a lot of people must think I should be "over it" by now. Well I am definitely not over it (nor do I ever plan to be) and I hate feeling like I am not doing what everyone wants me to. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of progress in grieving (facing and working through a lot of really hard stuff) and I am making a lot of effort towards being productive each day (and not just staying in bed like most of the first few months when that was all I could manage)...but the fact is my son is still dead. That will never change so it is not something I can ever get over. Ever. You learn to live with it. You learn a new way of breathing and thinking and functioning because you have to but Rylan is never far from my heart and mind. To me it would be unthinkable to just forget about him - what message would that send to our future children? Yeah, you had an older brother but he died so we "got over it" or he only lived one day so he didn't really "count." No. I want my future children to know that if anything ever happened to them it would be just as monumentally devastating because all life is valuable whether you are one day old or a hundred years old. He was still my baby and I will never get over losing him.

Sigh. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't experienced such a loss to know what to say to me and I too struggle to know what to say sometimes. Thank you soo, soo much for being patient with me anyway and for putting up with all my ups and downs. Wondering how I can ever thank everyone for everything that they have done for Joe and me over the past 6 months has been on my mind a lot. It is truly overwhelming (in a good way). The words seem insufficient but, thank you all.