"Are you doing better?" Sadly, I am doing a little better this week. I say sadly because it feels like I am betraying Rylan to do better. Can one ever really get better after losing something so precious?
I realized last week that I had spent every day of the past 8 weeks heavily grieving our son, often crying off and on all day and night long. It felt like the right way to feel though, given all the pain I was experiencing. I wanted to be sad because I couldn't fathom feeling anything else. I am sure now I was also experiencing depression whether it was simply from the situation or also intensified by the postpartum hormones. I sense that my hormones are starting to get back in order now and I don't feel the desperate hopelessness like I have for most of the first 8 weeks.
They say grief is not a predictable ride though; you can move forward and then something happens and you take two steps back. So, it is not a surprise that some days are harder than others. Thank you for being patient with me!
Last week when I was reflecting on my would be 8-week-old son my counselor said "it's ok not to think about it all the time and to give yourself a break." Somehow as hard as that was to hear it made sense and it allowed me to see that I have to begin to accept what has happened (people have been saying that all along but I could not hear it). The shock and disbelief have been too great to allow me to move in that direction thus far.
As much as I've wanted to, I could not stop time. Each day forward meant I was further away from the one day we had with our baby boy.
Time marches on and God has not taken me yet so I know I must find a way forward. I am now beginning to accept truths that have been too much to take in: I did have a baby. He is now gone. He's not coming back. It can't be fixed.
There is no going back to the way things used to be but there is a new normal. I do not see or approach anything in my life now the way I did before. Each day is precious, each relationship is cherished. I know how fragile life is.
Still trying to understand what my "new normal" looks like as well. I understood when you said it felt like the right way to feel and I've also been crying on and off. Someone told me last night that the Lord made our tear ducts for a reason.
ReplyDeletePraying that we would all be finding ourselves wrapped in His love as He leads us down these unknown paths through our grief.
Sending much love and hugs your way.
Thanks Faye. I think I stole this expression from your blog...but it struck a chord with me too.
ReplyDeletePraying for you also. There is an unspoken bond between those who have lost a child, even though it is a commonality which we would never have wished for.
We are 2 years into our "new normal", and even with a healthy pregnancy and baby at home, you see life in a different light after what we have been through.
ReplyDeleteNicole I spent much of last night reading all of your posts to date, they are beautiful and so deeply touching. I truly thank you for including me.
Praying for you both and know that we are here for you.