Merry Christmas

December 2009
Dearest Friends and Family,

I did not anticipate sending Christmas cards this year. I haven't sent them in our almost 4 years of marriage and considering that this holiday season is an especially difficult one for us it didn't seem logical to start now. But then I realized that people most often begin sending Christmas cards once they have children...and since we now have kids, here we are sending out cards! Most likely you are aware that Joe and I received a very special Christmas gift last year: our firstborn son, Rylan, was born on December 25 at 3:03pm weighing 6lbs 7oz and measuring 19in long. Perhaps we’re biased, but we think he was the most beautiful baby we’ve ever beheld. We were instantly smitten and Joe even shed a few tears the moment Rylan was born (despite insisting he wouldn’t!). Tragically, by 3:17pm the following day, after numerous treatments in the NICU, Rylan had gone to be with the Lord. He spent his last moments in the loving arms of his mother and father. During delivery he had contracted an E. coli infection which never responded to antibiotics. Needless to say, we started off 2009 in a heavy fog of grief, shock and unimaginable sadness. Through this trial we’ve learned how very precious and fragile life is and how much we have to be thankful for. We are still so touched by the outpouring of support we received from friends and family like you through meals, flowers, cards, words of support, presence and, now, remembering Rylan with us in various ways. We cannot THANK YOU enough. We really hesitated to put a picture of our sweet boy on this card – I know that for many it’s not easy to look at (and, trust me, he was even more beautiful in person). But please know that we have only a precious few photos of our son and we so treasure each one of them and wanted to remind everyone that he was real. (We never had the opportunity to send out birth announcements so thank you for indulging us now.) Our society says that such a short life is nearly meaningless but we know that every life is valuable and has purpose in the sight of God and therefore we celebrate and remember the precious gift of Rylan. His brief life touched and changed ours is so many ways. We miss him everyday. He is and always will be our firstborn son and will always have a very special place in our family and our hearts. And speaking of our family…it’s continuing to grow! In September we learned that God had blessed us with a budding new life! We are finding that joy and sadness can coexist as we eagerly await the arrival of this baby in June 2010 and yet continue to grieve the loss of our son. Thank you so much for your patient support, friendship and concern over the past year. We are looking forward to 2010 knowing that we can face anything with the Lord by our side – Jesus never promised our lives would be easy but He did promise He’d always be with us and we’ve found so much strength and peace from that truth. The most important thing in life is what you chose to make of the little baby Jesus born in a manager 2000 years ago. The baby born to die and give us life and peace with God. "Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." (1 Peter 3:18) Having gone through one of the most difficult things in life that anyone can go through I can tell you that our faith has made all the difference and Joe and I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you anytime about what the bible says about Jesus and why we believe what we believe.

Merry Christmas and Warmest Wishes for the New Year.

Love, Joe and Nicole (and our puppy, Lacey, too!)

It's a GIRL!

We found out this morning that we are having a baby GIRL! She is a modest little thing as she didn't make it easy for us to get a look at whether she was a boy or a girl! This was the best shot the dr could get - the evidence that she is a girl is, ahem, the absence of something in the photo! I couldn't help crying when we found out - tears of joy and sadness. All along I suspected it was a girl but somehow it was surreal to find out for sure, especially just a few days before Rylan's birthday. It makes me sad in a way - like a reminder of who is missing. If we still had our boy we'd have our "perfect" family. Well, my idea of perfect anyway. I always wanted a boy first and then a girl - but obviously this is God's perfect family for us nonetheless (and we still do have a boy as our oldest even though he's not here). Selfishly I am worried about competing with another girl in the house! I worry, "will she steal Joe's heart away?", "will I damage her with body images issues?", "will we have tension like so many mother/daughter relationships?" Girls are so complicated (I know from being one!) that I always thought boys would be easier and they always seem to love their mommies no matter what! All of these thoughts are so silly right? I am sure I will LOVE having a girl and will be so obsessed with this little one that I will laugh at ever having these thoughts right??

Of course I am just thankful she is doing well. She is so cute and active! She is also stubborn...she was trying so hard to suck her thumb but just kept missing and hitting her nose or lip! I am sooo over pregnancy at this point and can't wait for her to be here safe and sound already. It feels like I'll have been pregnant for 18 months before getting to bring a baby home. But worth the wait I am sure.

Déjà vu

Some friends from England were in town for the weekend. On Sunday they wanted to go to the Danbury Mall (a favorite spot of theirs when they'd lived here) to do some shopping. It was a bit of a tough experience for me because the last time I was at that mall was on Christmas Eve last year...we'd just been to a midwife appointment and Joe thought I should do some walking around there to try and get labor going (it worked - we had Rylan the next day). We’d had lunch there and I’d often wondered if something we ate there is what caused us both to be sick the next day (or possibly had even been the source of the E. coli Rylan caught, even though the doctors had assured us it wasn’t from food). So, there we were at the mall having lunch and shopping again almost one year later and that baby who I had been in early labor with was now gone and here I was pregnant with another baby. Just strange and sad and happy all at the same time, like so many experiences are for me now. Our friends also wanted to go to Toys R’Us which is near the mall. There is a Babies R’Us next to it and Joe and I decided to go there together while they shopped at Toys R’Us. (Because Danbury is so far away, Joe had never actually gone there with me when I was pregnant with Rylan. It was fun to go there together for once.) I had been to that Babies R’Us many times before and so it was very numbing to go there now and think of all the excitement, anticipation and preparation that had gone into awaiting Rylan’s birth…and now that baby and all those dreams are gone. And yet there are new plans to be made, new hope and excitement and anticipation of your birth little one. We truly know how easily you could be gone and so we try not to take your existence for granted for a single second.

Rylan's going to be a big brother!

_

Yes, it's true, we are pregnant with our second child. We are due around June 5. Maybe he/she will be born on my birthday (June 6)! We are soo, soo happy to share this news with everyone eventhough our hearts are also heavy knowing that this little person won't be greeted in this world by his/her older brother.

We found out really early that we were expecting (on 9/24/09 at week 3). I took the test on the earliest day possible so we only got a very faint line - but faint line or dark there is no mistake what that means: you are pregnant (you either have hcg in your system because you are pregnant or you don't have hcg at all). I had taken the test not actually expecting it to be positive because I wasn't "feeling pregnant" as much as I had been last time. With Rylan I’d obviously never been pregnant before so I didn’t know what to look for but this time I thought I knew the signs but I didn’t have them. In retrospect though I was having some symptoms such as feeling really tired and hungrier than usual and I had started breaking out (which also happened at the beginning of my last pregnancy – it takes awhile for the "glow" to set in). Before taking the test I was kind of bummed at the thought that I wasn’t pregnant because last time we got pregnant so easily and so I thought it would happen just as quickly this time (well, turns out it did). Of course there is always the worry of what if we have trouble getting pregnant this time. In hindsight I feel very sheepish that I was worried for nothing!

When I saw that faint blue line I was shocked and literally started shaking. Don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy (happier than I thought I’d be actually) but mostly shocked and a whole bunch of other mixed emotions. One thing I felt for sure though was instant love for this new little being. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around my waist to try and give the little one a big hug in acknowledgment that there was really a new life inside of me. I was kind of in a daze all day but mostly really excited and hopeful that nothing bad would happen to this baby. When I was first pregnant with Rylan I was terrified of miscarriage but surprisingly this time I feel a real peace that God is holding this little life in His hands and it is completely out of my control. I also think there is something that changes in you when you are faced with your biggest fear – you don’t fear it as much anymore. Not that I want anything to happen to this child (ever!) but I have a surprising peace about his/her life which I am very grateful for and hope the peace stays! Praise God for answering our prayers and for beginning to knit together this knew little miracle. My heart truly grew the day we found out as now it contains the love for two babies within it.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Proclamation 5890 -- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988

October 25, 1988

By the President of the United States of America

A Proclamation

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.

Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan

[Filed with the Office of the Federal Register, 11:13 a.m., October 26, 1988]

You're Not Shaken

I've been hearing this song on the radio and had to post it. I don't necessarily like the song itself that much (apparently the artist was on American Idol at one point but got voted off) but I do like the words. It makes me cry every time. I think one of the reasons that music is so powerful is because you can convey emotions that wouldn't necessarily be conveyed otherwise. I love the unmasked honesty in this song as the bewilderment of tragedy rises up in questions for God. It reminds me of the Psalms which are filled with real struggles to reconcile the terrible things that happen in life with God's goodness ("How could this be from your hand?"). It would be a lie to say that my faith hasn't felt paper thin at times and so the image of the "walls of belief crashing down like sand" resonates with me as does the simultaneous recognition that God is present still and unshaken. When everything in life is falling apart and falling down around you (even, seemingly, your faith) it is never more evident that the only thing standing firm is the Lord. He is the only thing we can and should hold on too. A very painful lesson to learn but the most important one of all.

You can click this link to hear the song-

http://www.imeem.com/artists/phil_stacey/music/ClRcwLhW/phil-stacey-youre-not-shaken/

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand

When every little thing that I had dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while
I'm here And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

You're right here beside me and
You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

Baby Weight

Who doesn't like compliments? Friends have been telling me that I look great and, of course it's nice to hear things like that (even though telling someone they look great is only a nice way of saying "hey, a little while ago you didn't look so hot") but, for the record, I am not one of those lucky mom's who lost their baby weight "without even trying." Nope, for me it took a lot of old fashioned diet and exercise! Despite all attempts to keep my weight gain within reason during my pregnancy with Rylan I ended up gaining 40lbs. That was more than I was hoping to gain but it could have been worse I suppose and being put on bed rest early in my pregnancy and also later on after the emergency plane landing scare did not help. After delivery, I had been planning to rely on breastfeeding to help lose the extra weight but obviously I never got a chance to do that. Also working against any weight loss was the outpouring of concern from friends which manifested itself in the form of food (read: delicious, carby, fatty dishes) for about two months after Rylan was born/passed away. We soo appreciated all that support, of course, but eating that kind of food combined with spending most of the day in bed or in a heap on the couch meant that I did not lose an ounce. It wasn't until about March that I decided to get serious about trying to lose the baby weight because it was making me so miserable that not only did I not have my baby but instead I had a mom body (no offense, moms!). Plus I'd always intended to lose as much of the weight as possible before we had our next child and since circumstances were now dictating that we would probably be thinking about baby #2 much sooner than we ever imagined, I needed to get started. Since giving birth I have lost about 50lbs (with about 20 of those pounds coming off during birth/first week post-partum). Strange thing is, I am a little bit sad to see all the baby weight gone. It's like one more reminder of Rylan is gone. I gained all that weight eating yummy things to make him grow big and strong and slowly the pregnancy that I enjoyed so much is being washed out of my life.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words but I wanted to set the record straight that it took a lot of hard work! Yay for the moms whose baby fat just "seems to melt off" or celebrities who have their body back in one week post-partum, but that was not me!